Bean Soup and the Future

As you are huddled with a pile of crackers over a bowl of your favorite soup, you can feel the warmth steam through your bones. People have enjoyed soup for centuries. At least they have enjoyed it as long as there has been fire and pots within which to cook a broth.

But what about the future? Will there be soup in the brave new world that approaches? Will there be a brave new world? Some alarmists hypothesize that we are running out of the fuels that we will need to sustain our drive into the next millennium. You ask "How do we plan to launch space shuttles, power space stations and colonize Mars, let alone take care of the needs of our own planet?" Let me put forth the hypothesis that there is, in reality, no shortage of fuel, for nothing can generate gas, and lift people out of their chairs like a bowl or two of bean soup. I have set in the presence of men who could generate enough methane gas to send themselves into orbit. Sometimes I marvel that the earth has not been knocked out of it's rotation or at least changed in polarity with the ferociousness of their expostulations. The legitimate question is not IF there will be energy, but HOW to harness the energy we already know to exist. I think something like a system of suction cups hooked up to a vacuum device similar to those used on milk cows would suffice. However, I shall leave it to the scientists and engineers to deal with the details.

Carrying this discussion further than anyone other than myself might wish to venture, I must point out that there are differences among fuels created by various beans. Lima bean soup, for example, is known to create a loud poof that, like a magician's wand, can make people vanish. Though plentiful, lima bean gas does not make the best fuel. Unfortunately, it is too light; although it does flash well in a burning chamber.

Then there is navy bean soup, a generator of a continuous barrage of minor putts, not unlike a motor boat running at idle speed. This will likely make the best rocket fuel as it can be more reliably harnessed. It is also a heavy fuel. It's only drawback is that it leaves a green contrail.

For domestic uses, black bean soup would answer best. It creates a delicate but irrepressible sound that is accompanied by the same fleuro-carbons once used as a propellant in WD-40. Suffice it to say that this will peel the rust from any stuck bolt.

There are other varieties too. All possess tremendous potential. Unfortunately, in our unenlightened age, the end result of any bean soup is generally underutilized. Instead of propelling the world into the future, when you break out the bean soup your wife refuses to watch TV with you, taking up reading murder mysteries instead. And the kids lock themselves in their room, willingly attacking their homework because it is preferable to being in your presence.

Finally, on the nutritional level, beans contain plenty of protein and for this reason are used by vegetarians as a substitute for meat. Besides all its other advantages, bean soup just plain tastes good.

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- Lima Bean Soup
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