How to Cook in General

Women are the touchiest of creatures. Their pride is as fragile as a flower. I severely wounded a woman once by stating categorically and emphatically that a certain dish was better even that sex. After she slapped me crosswise with an open handed roundhouse, I was forced to explain to her that my statement was a mere euphemism, a figure of speech, rhetoric. Though I begged forgiveness for several weeks, I was, from then until the end of our relationship, forced to live a life of undiluted abstinence.

The truth of the matter remains: the dish held for me, at that moment, a greater attraction and intense sensual pleasure than anything I had heretofore experienced. I had only made the mistake of expressing this thought aloud. I have subsequently learned that pleasures of the senses are tied to the moment and it seems that the latest pleasure of any intensity is the best...ever.

An Epicurean is someone whose life is geared toward always seeking pleasure. I do not necessarily advocate this approach to life. If anything, I tend to the stoical, but there is something to be said for eating a good meal on occasion, and it can be made even better by mixing it with other pleasures such as ESPN or a competitive game of eight ball on the pool table in the basement.

Unfortunately, there is not always someone around to do the cooking and to allow you to live in the manner to which you would like to become accustomed. Sometimes there is no one who can do the job as well as you can. You may find that your wife or girlfriend does not cook as well as she would like to think. It is at times like these that you will want to pick up the holy spatula and perform a few culinary miracles. The only problem is that you do not want to offend your spouse in the process. I suggest a tactful appeal to her better nature. Tell her that there is a sale on negligee at JC Penney. If she rushes off to the store, then you are set for the evening. You can whip up your favorite meal in her absence, and when she returns, enjoy the fruits of your labor. If she doesn't rush off immediately go to plan b and tell her you have a recipe that is even better than sex. She is sure to leave you alone long enough for you to do some serious cooking.

Introduction | Time Saver


Women and Cooking
Time Saver
Tools of the Trade
Aprons n' Other Gear
Baking vs. Cooking
Alcohol at Mealtime
Universal Ingredients
Preheating the Oven
Right Combinations
Meal Presentation